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final entry. [12 May 2007|06:57pm]
I like not writing in this- I like existing.
Joe & I broke up. It just wasn't working & I was unhappy.
I still care about him, always will- but the relationship was emotionally and mentally fatal for both of us.

I'm dating a new guy now, he took me to the safari.
If you know me- you know how big of a deal that was.
He makes me happy.. and it's not just him, it's who I am with him.
I just feel inspired with life now.
I want to build things, rather than destroy them.

Life is a pretty unexpected and everchanging thing, I think I'm gonna like it.

And she lived happily ever after.
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[28 Feb 2007|04:55pm]
There's someday when I forget my grandfather's gone.. and I glimpse up from my computer, and see his picture, which I have subconsciencly place right at eye level, staring right into me, knowing exactly what I'm feeling... and it breaks my heart.
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Call my name.. I'll be there. [20 Jan 2007|12:21am]
I suppose your heart goes weary with time.
But it's still the strongest thing the world will ever know.

Love surpasses everything in this world. And faith.
Love and faith.
Not necessarily in a God, albeit that is a wonderful thing to have faith in, if you believe in it of course-
but a faith within yourself, for yourself- more than a hope, but a knowing that you'll get through it, that you'll one day rise above the hurt and the scars and the tears- and you'll be a better person for it.

I've never cried so much as I have in the past six months, I cry myself to sleep and particularly when I drive- the speed of the spinning wheels always pales in comparison to the pace of the thoughts running through my head on that hour long drive to Pomona. And those sheep jumping fences can't keep up with my reeling thoughts.. but the struggle is what makes us strong, and the pain is what keeps your heart beating.
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[25 Dec 2006|07:30pm]
So I keep getting these great random comments.
People should grow up.
But it doesn't really matter.

Because I love myself. Fuckers.

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bored and found this on myspaceeeee. [18 Nov 2006|06:21pm]
i'm bored. and i should be doing my art project.. buuuut i'm not.

First job: working at the office.. since i was like.... 5 or 6 years old.
First screen name: kittycute
First self purchased tape: green day.. something.. i can't remember which one it was
First funeral: pop pop
First piercing/tattoo: ears when i was a tot. and tattoo..17..
First credit card: American Express
First love: real love? Joseph.
First enemy: Amy

Last big car ride: Ohio with Jeff & Joe.
Last kiss: yesterday. :)
Last library book checked out: ...can't remember. i believe it was something by Camus or Nietzche
Last movie seen: Borat
Last beverage drank: Milk
Last food consumed: Trail mix
Last phone call: Joe :)
CD played: Willie Nelson greatest hits!
Last annoyance: Indian Dance class
Last soda drank: Pepsi
Last ice cream eaten: I had a frappachuino at starbucks today? thats close enough to ice cream
Last time scolded: 2 or 3 years ago?
Last shirt worn: My brown sweater that I wear way too much
Last website visited: mmm.. allrecipes.com preparing for thanksgiving :)

a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'6 maybe 5'7
HAIR COLOR: brownish.
SKIN COLOR: super white
EYE COLOR: blue with green
PIERCINGS: 3 in each ear
TATTOOS: lucky/heart on my wrist, and anklet

r i g h t - n o w
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO? "Right Back Where We Started From" - Maxine Nightengale
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH? toothpaste.. mm minty.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE? aHHHH... cold i believe.
HOW ARE YOU? warm :)

d o - y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: not that i believe
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: i cry easily. over stupid things. and i tend to be a nag. among other things.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? incredibly well. they're my best friends.
LIKE TO DRIVE? well. if im alone- yes. if theres someone else, i'd rather they drive.

f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW- hammered. annnnnnd i like mash. annnnnnnnnnnnnd i dont know. according to mel i only watch style network
CONDITIONER - whatever comes with hairdye is the absolute best
MAGAZINE - cosmo and ready made
SODA - pepsi
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK - chocolate milk
ALCOHOLIC DRINK - johnny walker black label
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND - i love just staying home and relaxing. but i like adventures even though i havent been on one in awhile
RAPPER - none.

h a v e - y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: yes. on occasion. not so much anymore.
SNUCK OUT: no sir
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: nope, on my list of things to do though
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: hahahahaha yesssss
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no and i can't exactly see the appeal in doing so
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: a few times my junior and senior year.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: i used to all the time.

l o v e
BOYFRIEND: yes. and i am incredibly lucky to have him.
GIRLFRIEND: nooo thank you.
SEXUALITY: straight
CURRENT CRUSH: joseph of course.
CHILDREN: i thought i wanted only 1.. but lately i'm thinking 3 or 4 maybe.
BEEN IN LOVE? yes. am.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yeah. i tend to hold onto things till they go flaming into the ground.
BEEN HURT? of course.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: don't really have any.

r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB - i suppose- not really a job though. i dont do much.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? - joe. my family. animals. my roommates.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET? - probably something johnny cash.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: joe. my mommy. kelly. mel. kaitlyn.
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[05 Oct 2006|09:59pm]
I have never in my life wanted to just disappear till now.
I had to sit in the doctor's office by myself for 3 hours today.
The doctor told me that my immune system is too weak to fight the lyme.
And basically that there's nothing we can do.
Also that it's probably in my brain/spinal cord
which is why I'm getting shooting pains in random parts of my body.
I'm just scared, that basically my life will just go downhill from here.
Two months ago I lost my grandfather to cancer,
which I am only beginning to feel right now..
My dog was just diagnosed with cancer,
and they can't do anything for him.
I've been crying for two days straight.
I feel like a complete burden on Joe,
He just seems kind of distant lately,
and he doesn't put up with me as much-
I just feel like he isn't there.
And I want him to have fun,
But he really is the only one I have.
And without him- I'm worse.
And I don't want to burden him further with that.

I'm just going nuts.
The pain, both emotional and physical, is wearing me down.
And I just don't want to be here anymore.
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[30 Sep 2006|11:23am]

Thats right.
Flag footballs finest.
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[08 Sep 2006|11:36pm]
I want to be everything in this world.

I'm a contradiction. But that's okay sometimes.. I'm trying to grow up a little. I'm working on me.. however I'm slightly preoccupied with loving and living.

I live in an apartment with three girls that make me laugh. I do the dishes, and sing in the shower. I have a family that takes care of me, and believes in me. I have a boyfriend who gives me more love than I could ever imagine.

What a wonderful life.. :)
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[22 Aug 2006|09:47pm]
I.. he just makes me feel so warm, and.. loved.
Which is certainly something I've never felt (outside of the family enviroment).

I want to be better to him.
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[10 Aug 2006|07:37pm]
It's events like today, where I realize I have my father's fire and spirit, and my mother's emotion and control.
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[08 Aug 2006|06:04pm]
I really have little to say lately.
But that's okay.

Sometime's life is tough. And strange. And easy. All at the same time.
Depends on how you approach it I suppose.

I've been changing. In more ways than one.
I find my eyes getting softer and greener.
But my heart getting stronger and wiser.

I miss my grandfather.
I sit at his desk for a few minutes almost everyday.
And I just allow myself to miss him.
Then I go back to work, and I stay strong.
Just like he told me to do.

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[03 Aug 2006|12:12am]
I am a very territorial person.

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[19 Jun 2006|01:27am]
I used to write poetry. A looooong time ago. I've posted this before. Again. A looong time ago.

i can't sleep. it's late.Collapse )
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Mentally hectic. [06 Jun 2006|12:12am]
Current Top Five Songs:
1.) That's How Strong My Love Is - The Rolling Stones
2.) Secret Garden - Bruce Springsteen
3.) I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
4.) Atlantic City - Bruce Springsteen
5.) Over The Hills & Far Away - Led Zeppelin
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[24 May 2006|11:08pm]
Sometimes I just feel like I'm just not good enough. :(
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[23 May 2006|12:09am]
So I write in this much less. I feel as though I'm maturing and in less of a need to let people know what I'm doing with my life, I'm no longer in search of anyone's approval or opinion in the form of livejournal comments.

However. I still get bored on occasion and write in this to pass the time.

College has taken away a large chunk of my brain; my former pickiness regarding grammar and spelling has been ripped out and replaced with a huge brick wall, that I can't seem to get past, through, or over. I'm having a really hard time concentrating and writing, I always flip words/letters around and it takes me three times as long to write a decent paper. I just can't formulate significant, intelligent ideas anymore. My spelling is HORRIBLE too. I got a C in Algebraic Problem Solving too... its first level math course.. basically, the easiest there is. To my credit the teacher didn't speak any English, however I got A+'s in ALL of the maths in high school- so I should have been fine. I guess it's just a mental block of some sort.

On a better note- Kaitlyn is home from Ramapo.. I've missed her SO much. She's really my only friend left from high school, I've left behind everyone else. Plus it's nice having a girl to talk to instead of just the boys.

Joe's prom this weekend!! And camping out after! :) I'm excited. I love that boy with all my heart (even though he often lets go of my hand infront of his friends. Loser.)
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Sitting on the dock of the bay.. [28 Apr 2006|11:34pm]
This is the first time in months I've been home & in bed before midnight on a Friday night.
I have two finals left on Tuesday then I'm home for the summer.

I'm bored. :(
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[26 Apr 2006|01:34am]
this was stupid. but i dont want to sleepCollapse )
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[23 Apr 2006|04:00am]
There's really nothing in me worth loving.
I'm difficult, finicky, mean, jealous, and about every other statement out of my mouth is a complaint.
About all I can do is love strong.

And lately I think I'd doing a shody job at that.
I've become completely self-centered.
I hate it.
I need to get back to my roots.
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[30 Mar 2006|11:54pm]
So I woke up last night hearing this voice.
This frightening voice just talking in my completely dark room.
I got scared.. thinking God was talking to me or something.
but as I continued to listen-
I realized it was Bill Cosby.

Turns out my tv is completely shot, and there is no picture at all, just sound- and I fell asleep watching Nick at Nite.

Then I sat up for a little bit thinking-
What is Bill Cosby was God? It would totally rain pudding pops.
How awesome would that be?
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